Finally, a 3-D Movie I'm Excited to See!

I haven't seen any of the recent batch of 3-D movies in 3-D, and I don't really feel like I've missed out on much. Finally, though, a 3-D movie is coming out that I'd love to see: Piranha 3-D. Oh, yeah, that movie that terrorized me (and probably some of you) so much as a kid is coming back. I didn't realize as a kid that the director of Piranha would go on to direct so many movies that would have such a big impact on me. Joe Dante went on from Piranha to direct Gremlins, of course, and its sequel, and another influential kids movie Explorers. He also directed Innerspace, a movie I have probably an inordinate fondness for, and Small Soldiers, ditto. His real classic, though, is of course, The Howling, the first and best real exploration of the sexual nature of werewolves. Without Joe Dante there would be no Harry Lupus, and, without Piranha there would be no Joe Dante as we know him. (And, in a minor note, Piranha 2: The Spawning helped launch James Cameron's career. (One of the best things about Piranha 2 is Milhouse's description of a scene that I can't even remember is or is not in the movie.))

But what makes Piranha 3-D potentially awesome is that it stars curvaceous Kelly Brook, in a bikini



(With what some claim is serious camel-toe, but may just be crinkly fabric.)
















fooling around with a porn star.

I dunno if current 3-D movies are as sleazy as those from the 70s, but if they are Kelly Brook can certainly add some dimension to a picture.

The Results Are In . . .

I opted not to jump on Maxim's top 10 sexiest women list when it appeared, but waited until the other major men's magazine, FHM, published its list for comparison's sake. Here are the lists:

Maxim's 10

10. Jennifer Love Hewitt
9. Jordana Brewster
8. Rihanna
7. Adriana Lima
6. Eliza Dushku
5. Mila Kunis
4. Malin Ackerman
3. Bar Rafaeli
2. Megan Fox
1. Olivia Wilde









FHM's 10

10. Katy Perry
9. Anne Hathaway
8. Heidi Montag
7. Elisha Cuthbert
6. Adriana Lima
5. Madeline Zima
4. Jessica Biel
3. Scarlett Johansson
2. Jessica Alba
1. Megan Fox

One of the first things to consider about these two lists is that one is a "Nebula" style list, selected by a small board of editors, while the other is a "Hugo" style list, generated by popular votes. So, of course, the popular vote list is going to include more familiar names.

Still, I don't think the editors at Maxim distinguished themselves at all here. I mean, Olivia Wilde is like a stick figure that sometimes gets boobs photoshopped onto her. Malin Ackerman, I've already said all I'm gonna say about her for now. JLH can be pretty hot, but not, I'd say, top 10 hot. FHM's list is, if not great, at least credible.

But I will say that Megan Fox has had so much media exposure she feels like sloppy seconds. It might be different if she were a better person, but every time she opens her mouth, something caustic, idiotic, or bitchy drips out. Perhaps I'm being a little mean, but her character just seems so nasty that I can't look at her without feeling slightly repulsed. Although I still have to admit that she does have nice eyes.

Bettie Page and the Brunette Revival

About 75% of the women I've known "worship" some icon of femininity. What exactly this means varies from case to case, but at a minimum it means putting up 1 or more images/posters of the icon in every personal space and professing an interest or admiration of the icon, often without any knowledge about her. Although there are exception, I'd say about 90% of these women worship 1 of 3 icons:

• Marilyn Monroe
• Audrey Hepburn
• Bettie Page

Women who believe they are or aspire to be attractive use Marilyn Monroe as an icon. Those who aspire to have "class" or "style" are adherents of Audrey Hepburn. Those who think they are intelligent, sexy, or free-spirited follow Bettie Page.

Although I've never really been a huge fan of Bettie Page (which I know is odd, given my pin-up enthusiasm), I have to say that the latter group of women have always been my favorites. I feel that through them, and through her general social contribution, contributed a great deal of happiness to my life. When she passed earlier this year, I felt a surprising pang of sadness.

Bettie Page's image became associated with the sexual revolution partly because of timing. She became the Dylan or Shakespeare of, well, smut, because she was in the right place at the right time. But, like Dylan and Shakespeare, she also became that icon because she had a rare talent. When you look at her images, there's a kind of power that she always reserves. She isn't there for us, isn't merely an object of our gaze. She's there for herself. Her smile (and the mock-terror she occasionally employs for the bondage images) has an impressive genuine quality. She portrays a kind of innocence that enhances the scandalous nature of some of the images, and then normalizes them. The net effect is a statement that a woman doesn't have to be a degenerate to enjoy her sexuality. She can be healthy, happy, and sexy all at the same time.

Because Page is a raven-haired beauty, brunettes profited more than other women from this change. Brunettes had always been a little naughty (I'll talk more about that below), but now, suddenly, that was a good thing. Brunettes were seen as smarter, tougher, and more independent, all qualities that have been increasingly valued in women both in society and in fiction.

It's not that there weren't big-box-office brunettes in golden-age Hollywood. But there weren't many. Ingrid Bergman, maybe. But there were two things going against brunettes, especially really dark brunettes, in early Hollywood. First, the simple schema established by filmmakers, with the good guys wearing white & the bad guys black meant that good women were blondes. Second, if I may cite The Little Sister again (and, heck, maybe I'll do it again in the future), dark-haired women had a taint of foreignness, especially Spanish blood. The blonde in Chandler's novel is sexy, almost desirable, but the brunette is over-sexed, dangerous, manipulative, and Spanish (?). This begins to dissipate in the 50s with Audrey Hepburn, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jane Russell, but it isn't until the exotic element of Latin blood is embraced through Raquel Welch and Sophia Loren that brunettes are free to really move to center stage. And, of course, these things ebb and flow. I believe that the current brunette revival would have been impossible without mainstream culture embracing Latinas and African-American women as it did during the 90s. But now the trend is definitely brunettes.

If you would know what woman is

If you would know what woman is, what
strength the read of man unknows, forever
cannot know, look, look! in these eyes, look
as she passes, on this moving thing, which moves
as grass blade by grass blade moves, as
syllable does throw light on fellow syllable, as,
in this rare creature, each hidden, each moving thing
is light to its known, unknown brother,
as objects stand one by another, so
is this universe, this flow, this woman, these eyes
are sign

--Charles Olson, "For Sappho, Back"

Cat Women

Women are cats. The sinuous way they move. Their cool, distant disdain. Their grace, softness, and power all bound together. One moment, they are a purring bundle of pleasure, and the next they are all claws and teeth and shrill voice, scratching and biting and warning, often in that order. This is a truism of man's experience with woman, so we often call them "cats" of one type or another: kitties or cougars or bearcats. They have cat fights and get their claws in men. And they have pussies.

Cat Woman is not merely a villainess of the Batman universe. She is an expression of an archetypal view of woman. Similarly, "The Lady or the Tiger" is interesting not only really for itself, but because its ambiguity creates a state in which what resides behind both doors is both lady and tiger unresolved and blended in an unobserved uncertain state. Cat Woman is a true form, and all incarnations of her mere shadows. She is sexier, stronger, and more compelling in concept than she ever is in realization.

Cat Woman was essentially created with Batman, with The Joker, but she has a much more fluid existence. Now a villain, now a love interest, now a heroine, the struggle over Cat Woman's identity is every man's ambivalence toward the women in his life. We don't love them despite the claws, the leather, the whip, we love them because of these things. Men fight so hard to be in control of our lives, but the woman we truly love is the one that tames the beast within us with an exquisite combination of pleasure and pain. Ideally, this struggle never fully resolves, but remains with beast and tamer eying each other closely in admiration and desire.

No matter what incarnation, Cat Woman is never able to embody the promise of her essence for very many men, leaving most of us disappointed that she seems mere flesh and blood, not the Form of Woman we had desired.

Attempts to portray her with an actress are generally ludicrous. As always, drawn versions are better because they escape the confines of the flesh into the more conceptual realm. I love this image of Cat Woman holding Batman's flaccid costume just below the head. Oh, yeah, we know who is in control. And we know how.

Playing with Dolls

I've never owned a sex doll, never even been in the market for one. They've mostly been a joke to me, and generally inflatable. So when I came across the catalog for this manufacturer of premium dolls, I have to say I was a little shocked and amused. I was actually trying to figure out what are the other common uses of solid silicone, besides intraocular lenses. Turns out sex dolls is a big one.

I first came across "unbelievable" Sonia, a solid silicone doll about 4' in height. Of course, you can personalize it with any color hair (above and below, although pubic hair apparently is an option, but can be styled as a V, I, or just full bush), skin, lips (again, above and below), areolas. You can have ribbed inserts, and you can get them the size you want them. The product page stresses practical matters, like "breaking in" her orifices, and the fact that the silicone may be stiff at first but will soften over time. Selling points include the straightforward and practical--"easy to clean," "disease free," "can be stored in the shipping crate"--some finer points--"odorless with a slight citrus scent,"flexible for comfortable positioning,"--and some highly dubious claims--"Awesome experience" "real life eyes and tender lips"(???!!!), "extremely satisfying." My personal favorite, though, is the claim "unbelievably JigglyBreasts and Butt." Apparently, JigglyBreasts and JigglyButt are their trademarks--they're filled with liquid silicone and can even be purchased separately.

Sale--this week only--buy a full size doll and get a "travel size" one for free!

They also sell torso only dolls, which have the pitch: "Get a Beautiful Bella Torso doll and Save Space with no head." Of course--why didn't I think of that?

Blondes

We all know the line: Gentlemen prefer blondes, blondes have more fun, etc. Blondes have a reputation for being:

1. Attractive
2. Easy
3. Manipulative
4. Dumb

Now, sure, these stereotypes are no truer than any others, but like a lot of stereotypes they do have an origin that points to some level of truth. Now, I haven't studied this much, so I'm being purely conjectural here, but here are some of my thoughts about blondes and the blonde "type."

Blonde actresses were very poplar in golden age Hollywood. Greta Garbo, Marlene Dietrich, and Mae West all helped carve out the reputation of blondes. I picked these three intentionally because they show something important. Early on, blondes weren't really stereotyped. They were sexy, of course, but the type of sexy was not rigidly determined. Garbo was sophisticated, feminine, and exotic. Dietrich was also exotic, and she sometimes also played a sophisticated type, although she could just as easily step into the role of the "fallen" woman. But her sexuality depended on her masculinity. Assertive, with a powerful stare, and a deep voice, her slim strong body was often dressed in men's clothing styles. West defined a certain type of sexuality, a legacy that lived on undiminished through my childhood, at least. I don't know how many allusions to Mae West I consumed through my diet of Saturday morning and weekday afternoon cartoons. Brazen, assertive, comedic, but intensely feminine with her generous, curvaceous figure, I think she was a powerful influence on my notions of what makes a woman sexy.

In the 30s, blondes could be any type of woman, so long as they were sexy (but, then again, all women have to be sexy in Hollywood, a fact Raymond Chandler railed against as degenerate and wearying in The Little Sister). But by the time Marilyn Monroe comes on the scene, the "blonde" has definitely become much more of a type. Now, to be sure, Monroe contributed to the construction of the trope that ensured she would never get a serious movie role, but in order to become who she did, she also had to become a blonde. She inhabited, filled, and expanded (dare I say "filled out") the blonde type, but it was there for her to step into in a way that it wasn't during the 30s.

So what happened in between? Hair coloring. With the actual or ostensible popularity of blondes among men, women who wanted to lure men for fun or profit were more likely to go blonde. From the 30s to the 50s, the reputation of fake blondes was built, and, since most people can't tell the difference, and people tend to generalize, and women often get petty and backbiting, the stereotype was expanded to include all blondes.

The heyday of stereotypes in movies and TV was the 70s. Watching movies and especially TV, you know exactly what a character is going to be like and what is going to happen to them by looking at them. A few examples should serve: Suzanne Sommers. Farrah Fawcett. Jane Fonda. Not all of these women were ditsy, but they played the type. And you knew it from the second you saw their hair.

Now, I would like to believe that we've moved beyond this, but it's still pretty common for blondes to be represented as shallow and ditsy. Despite the recent work of blonde actresses portraying some smart women--Gwyneth Paltrow, Uma Thurman, and Scarlett Johansson to name a few--the default is still that blondes are comedically dumb and often shallow. We expect it in comedies, but it's in dramas as well. Consider the original cast of Lost. The serious women are brunettes, the helpless/doomed ones are blondes. It often seems that the only way a blonde woman can be intelligent is if her intelligence is in the service of her sexuality (e.g. Tricia Helfer in BSG).