An Obligatory Response

In Touch Weekly, the lowest of the so-called entertainment mags (or the highest of the tabloids, it kind of blurs the line), recently published the results of their poll on Hollywood's best breasts, and here's the results, some of which are more indicative of their readership than of the quality of the breasts. Of course, I must respond. Here are the top three, with pics and commentary:













1. Jessica Simpson, who definitely has some fine breasts. I used to have an image of her in her white jacket, on my desktop. It helped me get my day started right. Unfortunately, I can't find a copy of that exact image, but here's one I like because she looks like one of my coworkers in it.













2. Tyra Banks in a weird twist of fate, I have found myself defending Tyra on a number of occasions for many things, but, this picture (which is old) notwithstanding, I can't accept that she has the second best breasts in Hollywood.

3. Scarlett Johansson had the first place last time In Touch did their poll. She is, of course, my top pick, partly because she's a whole package and not just great tits on a dim bulb. But I can imagine her and Simpson fighting it out for first place (in oil and string bikinis).

And the rest:

4. Carmen Electra

5. Lindsay Lohan

6. Katherine Heigl

7. Audrina Patridge

8. Jennifer Aniston

9. Megan Fox

10. Beyonce Knowles

Now, some of these are reasonable, defensible choices, but many of them only make sense if you remind yourself that this is a poll of readers of the magazine pitched to those too dumb to read PEOPLE. Take it for what it is: an excellent opportunity to think about tits.

Revisiting the Issue of Hair

I've talked bfore about my personal preferences when it comes to pubic hair, but here's an interesting post on the subject from one of my favorite blogs to support, although not necessarily to read.

Beauty and the Breast is an anti-cosmetic surgery blog written by a number of women, at least one of which has had a botched breast augmentation. I say botched in that it didn't go the way she wanted it, not that it was performed especially badly. The truth is that about a third of all breast implant operations go awry. Many times it's just that they don't look right, but in other cases the complications can be really serious. Anyway, the women write about a lot of issues related to body image, which is something very dear to my heart because I have known so many beautiful women (including my wife) who have a very bad body image.

This post on pubic hair is interesting because it really gets down to the follicle of the matter: why do women think men want them to be hairless? Why, in fact, do women feel compelled to remove all their hair elsewhere as well? I've read some interesting reasearch on the subject, and it seems like most women start hair removal in their pre-teen years, and most of them can't identify the cause of their desire to do it. In the majority of cases, it is not parental pressure, or even perceived peer pressure that makes women remove their hair. Women report the cause to be a desire to be or feel "sexier," in some vague way. This means that they have internalized images of hairless women's bodies so that they perceive they are doing it for themselves.

I'm not saying I want women to stop epilating altogether (I like smooth legs as much as the next guy), but I think women should take control of their issue and evaluate what they're doing and why.

It's peach season again . . .

And I took a California peach to work today. It smelled so good, felt so good, I just couldn't wait to eat it. But then, California peaches are like California girls: they look good and smell good, and they're juicy, but ultimately they're bland and waxy.

Are Georgia girls like Georgia peaches: tight, tough, and tart?

And Colorado girls like Colorado peaches: sometimes a little on the large side, but oh, so sweet and juicy you can't help but love every ounce of them?

I've Been Spending a Lot of Time at Home Improvement Stores

And I noticed that you see a distinctly different demographic at the two major home improvement chains. At Lowe's you're like to see this kind of woman:

Whereas at Home Depot, you're more likely to see this kind of woman:

They may or may not be dressed like that . . .

More Greek Ribaldry

One afternoon, Menecratis
that pretty little thing,
was lying stretched in sleep
with her arm twined round her head.

Boldly I entered her narrow bed
and found myself to my delight
half-way along love's journey
before she woke and knew her plight
and with her hands of slender white
began to tear my hair.

She struggled till I'd had my will;
then, lying still,
with tear-filled eyes she said:

'You wretch, you've had it now,
the thing you sought so long,
the thing that I denied
although you offered me gold.
And now you'll leave my side,
you've ended all between us,
another girl you'll chase
and cheat in your embrace.
For all you men
are servants of insatiable Venus.'

An Omission?

As a comment pointed out in my last post, there was a glaring omission in my hot alien babes list: Natasha Henstridge of Species. She was on my original version of the list, but she sort of got forgotten in putting the final list together. Not the sign of a truly hot babe: you don't forget them. I mean, there are nights I wake up from a dream about Venus with a raging hard-on. You don't forget a real babe. In fact, there are many non-babes that imprint themselves indelibly on your mind because of just that one moment when they were in just the right posture, leaning over, with the sun catching their hair or the light glinting off their eyes. I just don't forget women, as a general rule. So how did I just forget Natasha Henstridge?

It's true that she has great tits: no doubt about that. Good size, nice color, excellent shape. Even a viable candidate for the perfect nipple. And not only do you get to see them a lot, but there's that short scene when she's running--running--completely naked and they're doing what tits do when women run. Really nice.

And she's an alien in the movie, too, and goodness knows I tend to remember aliens.

So why did I forget her? The truth is that she has no personality. She is pretty much completely flat and bland and plastic. To be really sexy, a woman also has to have a character. As much as men (me included, or even especially) are criticized for turning women into sex objects, the criticism is off base. Men want women to be sexual beings, if for no other reason than it gives them more to bring to the sex act.

Hot Sci-Fi Babes Part 2: Robots, Aliens, and Others

The advantage of science fiction is that it promises experiences beyond this horizon, and of course sex is part of that. To be included in this list, the character in question must not merely be inhuman, but must promise inhuman pleasures.

Brigitte Helm as Maria (Metropolis)--She may look a little rigid, but a Marxist seductress robot has to have some serious skills in the sack!

Jeri Ryan as 7 of 9 (Voyager)--Her strange remnants of Borg machinery never made any sense to me, but they are evocative. Just what other cybernetic equipment does she have other than her special handjob apparatus?

Virginia Hey as Zotoh Zhaan (Farscape)--Many viewers latched onto Claudia Black as Aeryn as the sexy one in this series, but she seemed far too mundane for my choice. Instead, I'd love a woman who experiences photorgasms and seems to be skilled in giving nearly infinite pleasure to many species. Hopefully human is one of them. . .

Major Motoko Kusanagi(Ghost in the Machine) A strange, distant figure, she seems completely detached from sexuality, but she's so hot! The paradox makes her a perfect Ice Queen.

Missi Pyle as Laliari (Galaxy Quest) Missi Pyle is not what you'd call an especially attractive woman. She has a very strange face, which makes her perfect for playing this bizarrely sexy alien. With most alien chicks, they're vaguely humanoid, and you assume they have something approximating a vagina, but it's pretty clear this chick is WAY alien, but she seems to secrete sufficient lubricant that a lot of fun can be had.

Uma Thurman as Venus (Adventures of Baron Munchausen) Okay, so Uma Thurman is an easy pick, and as Venus, well, it seems a no brainer. Of course she'll blow your mind. And she blew my mind, because in just the short instants they were exposed, hers were the first breasts I ever saw on the big screen. And aren't they lovely?

Sean Young and Darryl Hannah and Joanna Cassidy (Blade Runner) In this movie, Ridley Scott worked with a lot of archetypes, so it's not surprising that he essentializes women by splitting them into the three types represented by the female replicants. Sean Young is the sad and brooding woman. Joanna Cassidy is the cold sex object. Darryl Hannah is the childlike embodiment of youth and caprice. The ideal woman blends all of these characteristics into a single, irresistable whole.

Tricia Helfer as Number Six (BSG) As much as anything, I'm including her because I know people would question my judgement if I left her out. But the mind is the largest erogenous zone, and she is all over it.