If you would know what woman is

If you would know what woman is, what
strength the read of man unknows, forever
cannot know, look, look! in these eyes, look
as she passes, on this moving thing, which moves
as grass blade by grass blade moves, as
syllable does throw light on fellow syllable, as,
in this rare creature, each hidden, each moving thing
is light to its known, unknown brother,
as objects stand one by another, so
is this universe, this flow, this woman, these eyes
are sign

--Charles Olson, "For Sappho, Back"

Cat Women

Women are cats. The sinuous way they move. Their cool, distant disdain. Their grace, softness, and power all bound together. One moment, they are a purring bundle of pleasure, and the next they are all claws and teeth and shrill voice, scratching and biting and warning, often in that order. This is a truism of man's experience with woman, so we often call them "cats" of one type or another: kitties or cougars or bearcats. They have cat fights and get their claws in men. And they have pussies.

Cat Woman is not merely a villainess of the Batman universe. She is an expression of an archetypal view of woman. Similarly, "The Lady or the Tiger" is interesting not only really for itself, but because its ambiguity creates a state in which what resides behind both doors is both lady and tiger unresolved and blended in an unobserved uncertain state. Cat Woman is a true form, and all incarnations of her mere shadows. She is sexier, stronger, and more compelling in concept than she ever is in realization.

Cat Woman was essentially created with Batman, with The Joker, but she has a much more fluid existence. Now a villain, now a love interest, now a heroine, the struggle over Cat Woman's identity is every man's ambivalence toward the women in his life. We don't love them despite the claws, the leather, the whip, we love them because of these things. Men fight so hard to be in control of our lives, but the woman we truly love is the one that tames the beast within us with an exquisite combination of pleasure and pain. Ideally, this struggle never fully resolves, but remains with beast and tamer eying each other closely in admiration and desire.

No matter what incarnation, Cat Woman is never able to embody the promise of her essence for very many men, leaving most of us disappointed that she seems mere flesh and blood, not the Form of Woman we had desired.

Attempts to portray her with an actress are generally ludicrous. As always, drawn versions are better because they escape the confines of the flesh into the more conceptual realm. I love this image of Cat Woman holding Batman's flaccid costume just below the head. Oh, yeah, we know who is in control. And we know how.

Playing with Dolls

I've never owned a sex doll, never even been in the market for one. They've mostly been a joke to me, and generally inflatable. So when I came across the catalog for this manufacturer of premium dolls, I have to say I was a little shocked and amused. I was actually trying to figure out what are the other common uses of solid silicone, besides intraocular lenses. Turns out sex dolls is a big one.

I first came across "unbelievable" Sonia, a solid silicone doll about 4' in height. Of course, you can personalize it with any color hair (above and below, although pubic hair apparently is an option, but can be styled as a V, I, or just full bush), skin, lips (again, above and below), areolas. You can have ribbed inserts, and you can get them the size you want them. The product page stresses practical matters, like "breaking in" her orifices, and the fact that the silicone may be stiff at first but will soften over time. Selling points include the straightforward and practical--"easy to clean," "disease free," "can be stored in the shipping crate"--some finer points--"odorless with a slight citrus scent,"flexible for comfortable positioning,"--and some highly dubious claims--"Awesome experience" "real life eyes and tender lips"(???!!!), "extremely satisfying." My personal favorite, though, is the claim "unbelievably JigglyBreasts and Butt." Apparently, JigglyBreasts and JigglyButt are their trademarks--they're filled with liquid silicone and can even be purchased separately.

Sale--this week only--buy a full size doll and get a "travel size" one for free!

They also sell torso only dolls, which have the pitch: "Get a Beautiful Bella Torso doll and Save Space with no head." Of course--why didn't I think of that?

Blondes

We all know the line: Gentlemen prefer blondes, blondes have more fun, etc. Blondes have a reputation for being:

1. Attractive
2. Easy
3. Manipulative
4. Dumb

Now, sure, these stereotypes are no truer than any others, but like a lot of stereotypes they do have an origin that points to some level of truth. Now, I haven't studied this much, so I'm being purely conjectural here, but here are some of my thoughts about blondes and the blonde "type."

Blonde actresses were very poplar in golden age Hollywood. Greta Garbo, Marlene Dietrich, and Mae West all helped carve out the reputation of blondes. I picked these three intentionally because they show something important. Early on, blondes weren't really stereotyped. They were sexy, of course, but the type of sexy was not rigidly determined. Garbo was sophisticated, feminine, and exotic. Dietrich was also exotic, and she sometimes also played a sophisticated type, although she could just as easily step into the role of the "fallen" woman. But her sexuality depended on her masculinity. Assertive, with a powerful stare, and a deep voice, her slim strong body was often dressed in men's clothing styles. West defined a certain type of sexuality, a legacy that lived on undiminished through my childhood, at least. I don't know how many allusions to Mae West I consumed through my diet of Saturday morning and weekday afternoon cartoons. Brazen, assertive, comedic, but intensely feminine with her generous, curvaceous figure, I think she was a powerful influence on my notions of what makes a woman sexy.

In the 30s, blondes could be any type of woman, so long as they were sexy (but, then again, all women have to be sexy in Hollywood, a fact Raymond Chandler railed against as degenerate and wearying in The Little Sister). But by the time Marilyn Monroe comes on the scene, the "blonde" has definitely become much more of a type. Now, to be sure, Monroe contributed to the construction of the trope that ensured she would never get a serious movie role, but in order to become who she did, she also had to become a blonde. She inhabited, filled, and expanded (dare I say "filled out") the blonde type, but it was there for her to step into in a way that it wasn't during the 30s.

So what happened in between? Hair coloring. With the actual or ostensible popularity of blondes among men, women who wanted to lure men for fun or profit were more likely to go blonde. From the 30s to the 50s, the reputation of fake blondes was built, and, since most people can't tell the difference, and people tend to generalize, and women often get petty and backbiting, the stereotype was expanded to include all blondes.

The heyday of stereotypes in movies and TV was the 70s. Watching movies and especially TV, you know exactly what a character is going to be like and what is going to happen to them by looking at them. A few examples should serve: Suzanne Sommers. Farrah Fawcett. Jane Fonda. Not all of these women were ditsy, but they played the type. And you knew it from the second you saw their hair.

Now, I would like to believe that we've moved beyond this, but it's still pretty common for blondes to be represented as shallow and ditsy. Despite the recent work of blonde actresses portraying some smart women--Gwyneth Paltrow, Uma Thurman, and Scarlett Johansson to name a few--the default is still that blondes are comedically dumb and often shallow. We expect it in comedies, but it's in dramas as well. Consider the original cast of Lost. The serious women are brunettes, the helpless/doomed ones are blondes. It often seems that the only way a blonde woman can be intelligent is if her intelligence is in the service of her sexuality (e.g. Tricia Helfer in BSG).

In Case You Wondered

Some of you out there may have been inspired by that last post to remember the popular medical book Why Do Men Have Nippples? One answer, of course, is that male and female anatomy is pretty darn similar. The next question out of your mouth might very well be: just how similar are the penis and the clitoris?

The answer: creepily similar. Enjoy this enlightening series of instructional videos and slides.

Nipples

I wasn't at my job very long when an account manager came up to me and said, "I need a page, blog, and article on cosmetic nipple surgery, as soon as possible," or words to that effect. A page is easy, you just talk about the procedures. The blog is also easy, you just talk about the page. The article's a little harder. It's longer and you can't just focus on the procedures, so I decided I would write about what makes for an attractive nipple. I quickly found there wasn't much good information out there in terms of detailed considerations of nipple aesthetics, so I happily found myself with the freedom of uncharted territory. I made something up that drew from erotic sources but abstracted them sufficiently that it had an authoritative ring. That article is out there somewhere, possibly under my name, most likely not.

But my post today was inspired by the Marisa Miller topless pics I saw a while back:
(The source of this image is a blog called Dirty Rotten Whore. Beware, it's considerably more off-color than my blog, but it does have a whole photo series, including a sequence where she's sort of playing basketball topless. Those of you who think making women's basketball topless will generate more interest should take note: shooting a basketball does freaky things to a woman's body.)

I immediately thought, "wow, her nipples look great!" A really visceral reaction that stuck with me for several days. We'd talked about Marisa Miller as part of our conversation on a poll about the best celebrity breasts, when people complained of not being able to judge breasts unless they're freed. Well, judge away.

To my mind, they have several good points: nice color (aided by the tan line, which adds contrast), good size (not all gross and distended like a Penthouse model), good shape (nipples erect, even though the areola is not contracted), and nice, perky placement.

Now that I've said that, though, I want to say that there are a lot of ways for nipples to look good. All colors are nice, from pink to dark brown, and for extra color fun there are nipple rouges. Henna apparently also gives some great color and is sometimes mixed with essential oils for fragrance. My only real sticking point is if the nipples are stretched out they do look kinda gross. Often this is a product of breast implants that are too large and stretch the skin all out of shape, and I imagine a lot of the Penthouse Pets that grossed me out in the 80s probably had implants that were poorly done.

Nipples also look great poking their way through clothes. Like, say, Kelly Brook frolicking in the cold surf:
Yeah, that's nice. In these cases, imagining the nipples is half the fun.

Of course, women know we do this, and use things like those fake nipples to jerk us around. Not that I mind. Not at all.

Superheroines

You'd probably never heard of Malin Akerman before Watchmen. And with pretty good reason. Before this what'd she done? 27 Dresses. An uncredited turn in The Invasion. And the reason she'd never done anything big is that she sucks as an actress. After the movie came out, though, there was a big storm of talk about how sexy she played the Silk Spectre, probably an obligatory media hype deal. In my opinion, the Silk Spectre was much sexier in the comic than in the movie.

(The comparison image I found on a design blog called Eithin, which had some interesting analysis that might explain why I like the comic better.)

Of course, this is not Akerman's fault: superheroines are always sexier in print than on the screen. I'll grant a couple of exceptions, then prove the rule.

Mystique:

Played by Rebecca Romijin-Stamos, she's a lot sexier than comic-book and animated versions.




Wonder Woman:

Played by Lynda Carter is comparably sexy to her modern comic-book alter-ego, and certainly sexier than the original newsprint version.


Invisible Girl/Woman:

I haven't yet gotten up the stomach to watch the Fantastic Four movies, but I'm willing to grant that Jessica Alba can do a sexier portrayal of the housewifely Sue Storm.







But most of the time it goes the other way:

Rogue:

Why change this sexy Cajun into an awkward, accentless adolescent? What you lose: great big tits, tons of superpowers she gained by draining other mutants, confidence to stand beside other X-Men as an equal, and a facade of independence developed to cope with her inability to ever get physically close to another human being. In particular, the tension between her confidence in her power and her emotional vulnerability when anyone threatens to actually get close makes her character interesting and complex. What you gain: teenage angst, a lame Iceman love triangle, and an equally lame mentor relationship with Wolverine.

Storm:

Storm, like many of the X-Men has undergone some drastic changes over her 40+ years of existence in the Marvel universe. In changing her to real life, not only did Storm lose one of her enduring features (great tits), but she became a much flatter character. We know Halle Berry can act (see Monster's Ball and a surprisingly good job in Swordfish), but we also know she will let herself totally phone it in and go through the motions to collect a paycheck (Catwoman). Over the course of the X-Men movies, she became less and less of the former and more and more of the latter.

Jean Grey:

The first incarnation where I met Jean Grey, the old X-Men cartoons, taught me that redheads could be sexy. The cliche is that they're unstable, in my personal experience, they were simply bookish, and most live-action portrayals showed them as comic. Even Ginger, from Gilligan's Island, should have been sexy but wasn't. She paled beside Mary Ann. Despite her rockin' bod, she was ditzy and bland as a character.

All this to say, Jean Grey was sexy in the cartoon. Smart, strong, independent but emotionally vulnerable, and with great tits she was a joy to watch, despite the limited quality of the animation. And then she became the Phoenix. Throw me into that fire.

Famke Janssen seems like a good choice to play her. She's got a good bod, some acting experience, and she understands the role, as shown by the quote on her Chickipedia page: "We've always been ready for female superheros. Because women want to be them and men want to do them." Perfect. But she does a moderate turn at best as Jean Grey. Costuming is partly to blame, again, when instead of using her awesome Phoenix alter-ego, they just put her in a trench coat much of the time.

And I could mention others like Electra, Batgirl, Batman she-villains Catwoman and Poison Ivy, even Aeon Flux.

Do I have an argument here? Yes, and here it is: superheroines are always sexier in comics because:

3) Their clothes are unreal--what fabric can cling like that & still not bunch, bulge, or tear?

2) They're unreal--we know you can't have those tits & that body, but a man can dream, can't he?

1) They're deeper--comics don't spend a lot of time developing character, but you throw a crumb out here and there over the course of decades & it adds up to something. Actresses rarely inhabit the roles, they just go through the motions, and nothing is less sexy than just going through the motions, which is Malin Akerman's chief sin.