Did the Sumerians Invent Porn?

This is an important question. If we look back at the archaeological record, it's hard to know just where porn started. Many of the so-called fertility figures may have been considered "erotic," or their massive breasts and visibly etched vaginas may have been linked to pregnancy and childbirth. We don't know the purpose of these early figures. Were they carved by women for women, or were they early manifestations of the masculine gaze that seeks to capture and control the feminine form? This figure, the Venus of Hohle-Fels seems the former



Whereas this one, the latter:


But these are just speculations. It's not until writing appears on the scene that we can really know for certain how to take these things. And then it's pretty clear. Consider, for example, this snippet from a Hymn of Inanna, the Sumerian goddess of fertility, translated from cuneiform tablets:

Inanna spoke:

What I tell you
Let the singer weave into song.
What I tell you, let if flow from ear to mouth,
Let it pass from old to young:
My vulva, the horn,
The Boat of Heaven,
Is full of eagerness like the young moon.
My untilled land lies fallow.

As for me, Inanna,
Who will plow my vulva?
Who will plow my high field?
Who will plow my wet ground?

As for me, the young woman,
Who will plow my vulva?
Who will station the ox there?
Who will plow my vulva?

Dumuzi replied:

Great Lady, the king will plow your vulva.
I, Dumuzi the King, will plow your vulva.

Inanna:

Then plow my vulva, man of my heart!
Plow my vulva!

At the king's lap stood the rising cedar.
Plants grew high by their side.
Grains grew high by their side.
Gardens flourished luxuriantly.

On the off chance you're still uncertain that the Sumerians made porn, let's look at a couple of pieces of art.

This first one I call "Plow me now."

Yes, that is a woman playing a tambourine reaching around to grab the man's ox and guide it to its station.

And then there's this clay tablet from 3000 BCE.

Most commentators on this piece talk about it as a sign of the "sacred marriage" the ceremonial union between the king and the high priestess that re-enacts the relationship between Duzumi and Inanna that ensured the fertility of the land and the plenitude of the harvest. Whether that is so or not, it is still an explicit representation of sexuality that is probably intended at least partially to arouse.

Even more importantly, the woman using her hand to offer her breast to the man marks, to my mind, the first evidence of eroticization of the breast, which in and of itself is a cultural advance of unparalleled importance for which we should all be grateful.

Limerick of the Week

In Brooklyn, New York, there's a lass
Who will hitch up her dress as you pass
If toss her two bits
She will show you her tits
And allow you to fondle her ass.

Beer Babes: Supplement

I know it's not by any means perfect, but sometimes it's hard not to wax utopic about ancient Egypt. A society where women not only brewed the beer, but they did it topless? Sign me up!

Limerick of the Week

An eager young farm girl named Mabel
At milking was not very able
But to get the thing right
She would practice each night
With sausages under the table.

Movie Review: Maid in Sweden

No, this is not the arthouse import source material for Maid in Manhattan, but another 70's Christina Lindberg flick. After watching Anita: Swedish Nympette, I became convinced that there just might be a genuinely good movie in Lindberg's oeuvre. If there is, Maid in Sweden is definitely not it. On the whole, this movie is uneven, imbalanced, schizophrenic even.

At the beginning, the movie feels like The Mary Tyler Moore Show: Inga is headed to the big city to spend time with her sister, and the upbeat 70s pop soundtrack makes us feel like she might just make it after all. For a while, the soundtrack is so upbeat and so prominent that you might also think you're watching The Monkees, but then all that kitschy uptempo stuff gets wiped away because Inga's train ride goes overnight, which means she has to strip and get ready for bed, and, of course, the tits come out, which is great, but jarring. And there's a voyeur who happens to see her around her door curtain and just can't help but stop to look. (Could you?)

The movie has some things to recommend it. First, the director knew how to really show off Lindberg's tits. They get ample screen time, they're wonderfully lit, and we see them from many great angles. We see them when she's standing, lying down, sitting still, or in motion. There's even one really great slow-motion sequence when Inga's taking a shower that is not primarily prurient, nor is it exclusively erotic: it's aesthetic, artistic, very much like the way some directors and cinematographers will embrace the scenery so that your heart swells because it is filled with beauty. The sequence has a Grecian urn purity: beautiful tits are truth, and truth, beautiful tits is all it says.

The other thing the movie has to recommend it is its (seemingly obligatory) masturbation scene. Where most of the sex in the movie is mechanical and bland, this scene stands out as superb, natural. Lindberg makes sweet, almost spiritual self-love. She masturbates in a way that shows it as a self-fulfilling act deriving from a rich interior life that is part dream, part fantasy, and part soul. Lindberg is probably the greatest masturbatrix ever captured on film. Other sequences are definitely more graphic and more arousing, but none of them are as subtle or as textured as the ones I have seen Lindberg perform.

I wish the above-mentioned sequences could be put into a better movie, because, unfortunately the movie's negatives outweigh its positives. The number one thing that disrecommends this movie is rape. Rape is a staple element in exploitation films, of course, but partly because of its uneven tone the use of rape in this movie really bothered me. Date rape, gang rape, and a near-rape by Inga's sister's boyfriend (for which Inga is blamed) all take place with Inga coming to enjoy them after initial resisting. She even becomes the girlfriend of the date-raper. This comes together to create an atmosphere in which sexual violence against women is condoned and in which "no" never really means "no," which I found troublesome and diminished my enjoyment of the rest of the movie.

Another problem is that the movie tries to establish an inner life for the characters, but does so very poorly. It's very hard to determine what is real, what is memory, and what is dream, which contributes to the movie's narrative problem. You don't expect tight plotting in an exploitation flick, but this one is particularly bad, so that the meandering jumble of events comes to an unspectacular and unfulfilling end.

Limerick of the Week

Concerning the question of cunts
You really must see Helen Hunt's
With carrots and candles,
And hockey-stick handles,
She performs some remarkable stunts.

Limerick of the Week

Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft
In the bog, in the bath, in the loft
Up my arse, up my cunt
From behind, from in front
With your best, stiffest cock--nothing soft!