Limerick of the Week

In Brooklyn, New York, there's a lass
Who will hitch up her dress as you pass
If toss her two bits
She will show you her tits
And allow you to fondle her ass.

Beer Babes: Supplement

I know it's not by any means perfect, but sometimes it's hard not to wax utopic about ancient Egypt. A society where women not only brewed the beer, but they did it topless? Sign me up!

Limerick of the Week

An eager young farm girl named Mabel
At milking was not very able
But to get the thing right
She would practice each night
With sausages under the table.

Movie Review: Maid in Sweden

No, this is not the arthouse import source material for Maid in Manhattan, but another 70's Christina Lindberg flick. After watching Anita: Swedish Nympette, I became convinced that there just might be a genuinely good movie in Lindberg's oeuvre. If there is, Maid in Sweden is definitely not it. On the whole, this movie is uneven, imbalanced, schizophrenic even.

At the beginning, the movie feels like The Mary Tyler Moore Show: Inga is headed to the big city to spend time with her sister, and the upbeat 70s pop soundtrack makes us feel like she might just make it after all. For a while, the soundtrack is so upbeat and so prominent that you might also think you're watching The Monkees, but then all that kitschy uptempo stuff gets wiped away because Inga's train ride goes overnight, which means she has to strip and get ready for bed, and, of course, the tits come out, which is great, but jarring. And there's a voyeur who happens to see her around her door curtain and just can't help but stop to look. (Could you?)

The movie has some things to recommend it. First, the director knew how to really show off Lindberg's tits. They get ample screen time, they're wonderfully lit, and we see them from many great angles. We see them when she's standing, lying down, sitting still, or in motion. There's even one really great slow-motion sequence when Inga's taking a shower that is not primarily prurient, nor is it exclusively erotic: it's aesthetic, artistic, very much like the way some directors and cinematographers will embrace the scenery so that your heart swells because it is filled with beauty. The sequence has a Grecian urn purity: beautiful tits are truth, and truth, beautiful tits is all it says.

The other thing the movie has to recommend it is its (seemingly obligatory) masturbation scene. Where most of the sex in the movie is mechanical and bland, this scene stands out as superb, natural. Lindberg makes sweet, almost spiritual self-love. She masturbates in a way that shows it as a self-fulfilling act deriving from a rich interior life that is part dream, part fantasy, and part soul. Lindberg is probably the greatest masturbatrix ever captured on film. Other sequences are definitely more graphic and more arousing, but none of them are as subtle or as textured as the ones I have seen Lindberg perform.

I wish the above-mentioned sequences could be put into a better movie, because, unfortunately the movie's negatives outweigh its positives. The number one thing that disrecommends this movie is rape. Rape is a staple element in exploitation films, of course, but partly because of its uneven tone the use of rape in this movie really bothered me. Date rape, gang rape, and a near-rape by Inga's sister's boyfriend (for which Inga is blamed) all take place with Inga coming to enjoy them after initial resisting. She even becomes the girlfriend of the date-raper. This comes together to create an atmosphere in which sexual violence against women is condoned and in which "no" never really means "no," which I found troublesome and diminished my enjoyment of the rest of the movie.

Another problem is that the movie tries to establish an inner life for the characters, but does so very poorly. It's very hard to determine what is real, what is memory, and what is dream, which contributes to the movie's narrative problem. You don't expect tight plotting in an exploitation flick, but this one is particularly bad, so that the meandering jumble of events comes to an unspectacular and unfulfilling end.

Limerick of the Week

Concerning the question of cunts
You really must see Helen Hunt's
With carrots and candles,
And hockey-stick handles,
She performs some remarkable stunts.

Limerick of the Week

Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft
In the bog, in the bath, in the loft
Up my arse, up my cunt
From behind, from in front
With your best, stiffest cock--nothing soft!

Beer Babes

Men love beer. Sure, there are a few who don't, and every now and again you'll meet a woman who actually really likes beer, but, by and large, beer is a man's world.

And if you're going to sell to men, what better way to do it than with picture of a beautiful woman, right? So for years the big breweries have put out posters and made commercials with hot chicks in them, but that doesn't matter. You can put all the gorgeous swimsuit models you want on your posters and it won't make me buy your beer (with one exception, see below). The only women that can sway my decision to buy a beer are the ones printed on the beer bottle itself. These women are inextricably linked with the identity of the beer, and I enjoy them sometimes as much or more than the beer itself.

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl is the classic beer babe. Even before the label became extra-cleavagey and declared that this was "Germany's fun-loving beer," you knew it by the girl's disheveled hair and rumpled outfit, the exuberance of her stance, and, of course, her inviting smile. Here is a woman who loves giving beer to men as much as they love taking it from her.













So, what do you guys think is the best, the blonde, the brunette, the lager, the dark?














Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde


This is one of the first beers I bought by the six- or twelve-pack, back when we had our regular poker games running. I picked it because of the label, but found it a good, accessible beer for someone who was not an experienced beer drinker. I haven't had one in years. I wonder what it'd taste like now?













Hard Tail

Hard Tail has a really awesome logo, probably the only one I've seen to so brazenly feature a woman's ass. A really sweet view. I actually bought a glass of this beer because of the cool retro pinup posters they had in the bar, and the logo didn't hurt, either. It's a pretty small outfit, so it's hard to find their logo to reprint here, and probably even harder for you to find the beer. Don't worry, you're not missing much. Of course, it's a biker beer, and maybe we just don't agree what a beer is supposed to taste like.
















Shmaltz Brewing Albino Python

This is my favorite beer babe. Sensual. Mysterious. Cleavagey. And what is she going to do with that python? Besides, this is the only one of these beers I would recommend as a beer. It's good stuff, even if you don't like this sort of thing, which I don't. As the label says, "Surrender to temptation. Seduce and be seduced." I wish you all the joy of the worm.













And I can't wait to try the sword swallower, which sounds more like my type of beer.













And the Mermaid Pilsner, just for the heck of it








Any recommendations for good beers, especially with beautiful babes on them?

Limerick of the Week

This one's by Isaac Asimov:

Another young woman, named Claire
Always walks around perfectly bare
Saying "All that I show
Are my publics, you know,
For my privates are covered with hair."