Assthetics

Now, admittedly, I'm not an ass man, so it's sometimes hard for me to understand what, exactly, makes a really attractive ass. I stumbled across this image and there were a lot of men speaking glowingly of it, as if the woman's ass looked really good:

It kind of reminds me of this cover picture of Heidi Montag for Maxim magazine. I just don't understand what, exactly makes these asses so attractive. Is the hard, round, spheroid the ideal? Perhaps one of y'all can help me.

Wine & Women in Song

Okay, so now that I've completed my list of the best songs about boozing & babes, in no particular order:

-"Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?" Jimmy Buffet--Of course. Could this song not be on the list? Buffet is, of course, a bit of a buffoon, but sometimes the fool (or clown?) has the best wisdom. Simple, straightforward, although waiting for the waterbed to fill up and warm up seems a bit, well, time consuming.

-"Gina in the King's Road" Al Stewart--Some great lyrics, including this introduction of Gina "Purple leather mini / legs up to there / Don't you cast aspersions /On my naugahyde affair," which totally evokes a whole image of 70s shabby shag-bars. And it only goes downhill from there.

-"Spill the Wine" Eric Burdon and War--A Hamlet allusion, plus "over-fed, long-haired leaping gnome," plus "every kinda girl." It's like the porno double feature: She Wore Her Beaver Up / Doll of the Mountain King.

-"Country Boy" Hosty Duo--It makes me think of a simple country romance. Barefoot girl, barefoot boy, and a case of 3.2. If only my love life were ever that simple. None of this penny-loafer Zima shit.

-"Louie, Louie" The Kingsmen--It's about drinking and a girl, and it's got to be dirty, otherwise it'd never be so slurred.

-"Norweigan Wood" )Snicker( The Beatles--One of the best one-night-stand songs ever written. Okay, so he never gets lucky, but he was biding his time, drinking her wine, and they talked until two, so what more could you want?

-"It Was a Very Good Year" Frank Sinatra--Small town girls, city girls, blue-blooded girls, and all that comes with 'em. Soft summer nights, perfumed, hair, and chauffers. I'd say those were some good years. And he keeps most of the details to himself, letting the imagination run wild.

-"Home for a Rest" Great Big Sea--a tough call to pick between "Old Black Rum" & this one, but the last verse of this one is too good. "By the light of the moon she drifts through the streets / a rare old perfume so seductive and sweet / She'd tease us and flirt as the pubs all closed down / Then walk us all home and deny us a round."

-"Hey, Nineteen" Steely Dan--It's all about how he can't really talk to this nineteen-year-old cause she's too young & doesn't know anything about music. But if they get drunk together on Cuervo & do a little blow they can have a great time. Cool. And good advice.

-"Budweiser Cardboard Girl" Just Add Water--Who? Well, this is a fun little song, albeit pretty dumb, that's on an album I picked up for a buck by randomly choosing it out of a stack. A group of never-weres from Missouri, there's not too much to say except that this song is about what would be great about being in love w/ a Budweiser cardboard girl. You can probably guess.

And, of course, there's the Rubaiyat:

My friends, you know with what a brave carouse

I made a second marriage in my house

Divorced old barren reason from my bed

And took the daughter of the vine to spouse.

Ten Sexy Singers (Plus One) Conclusion

Okay, so y'all have probably noticed by now that I have a tendency to start out these ambitious projects thinking they'll be done in a couple weeks, then run out of time so that what I thought would take a couple of weeks goes on for a long time only halfway finished, and my old haunt has gone through its list and then some so here I'll sum up real quick with short blurbs on the rest of the singers on my list, a couple of quick pictures and maybe some other things. Okay, so here's the rest of my list:



Lesley Gore

Her top hit has that quality you already know I like in women: strong but vulnerable. "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." Sure, if you need a shoulder to cry on (and maybe a sympathy screw), I'm here. But I've never been too big a fan of that song. It's "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows," which always made me think she was hot. I mean, no girl can be that good, right? Anything that sweet and innocent sounding must be a Blow Pop. Sweet candy outside, bubblegum inside, and so incredibly dirty. And the proof is "You Don't Own Me:"



You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me
So don't say I can't go with other boys.


What? What kind of relationship is this? And where do I get in?


Oh, and she also looks great as a (sex) kitten. And she's supposedly a lesbian. What's not to love?









Vitamin C




Oh, I'm sure you've heard of her, though you may not know her. I know she's poppy and dumb, but any chick who'll write a song based on Fear of Flying can't be too dumb. She samples the Digital Underground on her song "Do What You Want to Do," so she clearly knows what she's doing. It's all just good postmodern fun. The brain may be the biggest erogenous zone, but sometimes thinking just gets in the way of getting laid.









Tracey Thorn

So, she's a dog . . . and she really is, too. Some pictures they try to conceal it, but she really is pretty hideous, so I'm not going to include a pic here. But I can't help it, I love her singing. The main singer of Everything but the Girl is so heartfelt, she just lays everything out there, and you know she really loves you, and she's there, ready to stand next to you until everything falls apart (as it inevitably does, under the silvery moon which explodes for no good reason). She's definitely more on the vulnerable side, and it seems like she's lost many men to cheating (unlike Lopez, who seems to take them), and can express the feelings of betrayal and desolation like nobody else.



Stevie Nicks
Now I know there are some people who are against hippie witch-babes, but I'm not. In fact, I'm always looking for one who can cast a convincing hex, because it makes a great excuse. "I'm sorry, honey, but she hexed me: I was powerless to resist!" Unfortunately, I haven't found one yet. They're all into Wicca and white magic and none of them seem to know how to unhinge a man from his willpower. This may have something to do with hairy armpits. But Stevie, the original hippie-witch-bitch (it must be admitted) knew how to do it. If I ever met her, and if she would deign to look at me, she could have me. And part of the hex is that as long as I was under her power she would always look her best.






Sade

Now, there are people who are not interested in Sade, but I enjoy her music because it's all obviously about sex:
"Jezebel": Sugar daddy sex
"Never as Good as the First Time": Virgin sex
"No Ordinary Love": Great sex
"Smooth Operator": Well-lubricated sex
"The Sweetest Taboo": Anal sex


You don't see that? Well, maybe it's just me.


And now it's time for our plus one, the honorary member of the list, even though I don't find her sexy at all:

Tori Amos

Now, I love a lot of her music, but I just can't get excited about her. Why is she on this list, then? Because so many guys I know just fall completely under her power. Of all the songstresses of recent years, none of them that I know overwhelm some men so utterly as Tori Amos. Why? I just can't figure it out. Maybe it's because muddy feet turn me off, or maybe I just like to have the gun in the relationship.

Ten Sexy Singers (Plus One)

By this time you have no doubt discovered (if you didn't know already) that my taste in music is, if not exactly bad, then not exactly good, either. Perhaps that's the wrong way to put it. Instead, let's say that my taste in music is, like my taste in the erotic, indiscriminate. That may be the definition of bad taste, but it has its advantages. Depending on my mood, I find myself turned on by the delicate dance of butterlfies in flight or by the highly lubricated redline piston-pounding of hardcore porn. And that's part of the reason I wanted to write this series, to put sentimental hardcore & boff-beats next to each other and on par. I don't want to be considered an arbiter of taste, merely an observer of phenomena.

And to prove that I have no taste, I offer this selection in my series of sexy singers: Kylie Minogue. I'm not going to offer any more explanation or defense than to say that she's here largely on the basis of this video:


& the incredibly inspired lyrics of her song "more more more":

Boy, you've to me wanting
More more more
Fill me up to the top
Till I can't take no more

Which always puts a dirty smile on my face.

Ten Sexy Singers (Plus One): Liz Phair

You remember that friend you had who was fun, flirty, sexy and (for you) completely unreachable? The one all the guys wanted, and many of them had?The one who turned over boyfriends like playing cards but never had any luck? The one you always wanted to get together with, but never had, or maybe you did, briefly, but then she went back to her jerk boyfriend. Liz Phair is that girl.

Now, maybe you never knew a girl like this, but I've known dozens. And what do these girls talk about? Their boyfriends. Half the time they're telling you how he "fucks like a volcano," how he's "uncomplicated," how he "just feels right" like her "favorite underwear." The other half of the time, she's wondering "why it is that there are those kind of men," and trying to convince you (and herself) that she's "extraordinary" while the boy who's just sloughed her off is "boring."

She's a singer who, even when she says "you," I just can't imagine her talking to me. Maybe it's because I've never had a woman say to me, "gimme your hot white cum."

Really, she seems so far beyond me, I shouldn't even have included her on this list. Should've just cut her out of my head. But, like with those other girls, I just can't help hoping: I'm a sucker for her lucky pretty eyes.

Ten Sexy Singers (Plus One): Jennifer Lopez

I know to many people she is J-Lo or just "that ho," but before she was Jenny from the block, I stumbled across her "If You Had My Love" video, and I was quickly won over. Now, I've never really been an ass man, and I know that's what most people talk about with Lopez, but I've always thought she was really nicely proportioned, and, to be sure, she knew how to use what God gave her. Initially, the video caught my attention because of its metatextuality. She is dancing in the video while men watch her on television or the internet. Cameras also follow her through her daily life. The voyeuristic quality of it all was intriguing, and became even more so when the men rose from working on a filthy engine, smeared with grease and sweat to walk over to look at the video on the television. When they reach up to wipe the sweat from their necks, it hit me with a flash: these men may be cleaning up, but subconsciously they're jerking off. This woman is totally hot. It was a moment where I completely identified with the men on-screen. I felt exactly the same way.

So I saw her "Waiting for Tonight" video, which I totally liked as well: hot girls going up the Amazon for a millenium dance party--what's not to like? And then for no reason, she's flirty dancing thigh-deep in water in a black string bikini. Who comes up with these things? I don't know, but it pushed my buttons. After that, I never missed one of her video launches, and, though they steadily declined in quality, they never failed to deliver on the basic promise that you would see her dancing seductively. Art that fulfills its promises is, in my book, good art, so far as that goes.

Anyway, some time later I did pick up her On the 6 album (another bargain bin purchase), and I was very impressed. Now, it's not really great music, but, like her videos it's very sexy music. You have to listen to it on headphones, too, because otherwise you miss out on the effects of her throaty seductive vocals, especially the long segment of whispered Spanish on the second track. She is speaking directly to you, whispering in your ear in a tone that sends thrills right down my spine to my coccyx. A lot of songs on the album are about messed-up relationships, and this is the crown of them all. You really feel how terribly wrong things have gone, and the Spanish is all about the breakup and how painful it is for things to be ending. It ends with "I will never regret this,"and you feel like you've been through it with her: the ecstacy, the fights, the anger, the makeup sex. And the illicit sex, the knowing you're betraying someone sex. The afraid to get caught sex. The god-I-should-stop-but-I-must-have-it sex. The . . . well, you get the idea. There's a lot of )water( under the bridge here.

I've mentioned how I love her hats, and here's another hat picture of her.

I haven't bought any more of her albums. On the 6 is too much like a real relationship, and I've never had luck with trying to rekindle old flames. And now she has twins. There's a lot of music in my collection that I'm ashamed of, but I will never regret my fling with Jennifer Lopez.