More Greek Ribaldry

One afternoon, Menecratis
that pretty little thing,
was lying stretched in sleep
with her arm twined round her head.

Boldly I entered her narrow bed
and found myself to my delight
half-way along love's journey
before she woke and knew her plight
and with her hands of slender white
began to tear my hair.

She struggled till I'd had my will;
then, lying still,
with tear-filled eyes she said:

'You wretch, you've had it now,
the thing you sought so long,
the thing that I denied
although you offered me gold.
And now you'll leave my side,
you've ended all between us,
another girl you'll chase
and cheat in your embrace.
For all you men
are servants of insatiable Venus.'

An Omission?

As a comment pointed out in my last post, there was a glaring omission in my hot alien babes list: Natasha Henstridge of Species. She was on my original version of the list, but she sort of got forgotten in putting the final list together. Not the sign of a truly hot babe: you don't forget them. I mean, there are nights I wake up from a dream about Venus with a raging hard-on. You don't forget a real babe. In fact, there are many non-babes that imprint themselves indelibly on your mind because of just that one moment when they were in just the right posture, leaning over, with the sun catching their hair or the light glinting off their eyes. I just don't forget women, as a general rule. So how did I just forget Natasha Henstridge?

It's true that she has great tits: no doubt about that. Good size, nice color, excellent shape. Even a viable candidate for the perfect nipple. And not only do you get to see them a lot, but there's that short scene when she's running--running--completely naked and they're doing what tits do when women run. Really nice.

And she's an alien in the movie, too, and goodness knows I tend to remember aliens.

So why did I forget her? The truth is that she has no personality. She is pretty much completely flat and bland and plastic. To be really sexy, a woman also has to have a character. As much as men (me included, or even especially) are criticized for turning women into sex objects, the criticism is off base. Men want women to be sexual beings, if for no other reason than it gives them more to bring to the sex act.

Hot Sci-Fi Babes Part 2: Robots, Aliens, and Others

The advantage of science fiction is that it promises experiences beyond this horizon, and of course sex is part of that. To be included in this list, the character in question must not merely be inhuman, but must promise inhuman pleasures.

Brigitte Helm as Maria (Metropolis)--She may look a little rigid, but a Marxist seductress robot has to have some serious skills in the sack!

Jeri Ryan as 7 of 9 (Voyager)--Her strange remnants of Borg machinery never made any sense to me, but they are evocative. Just what other cybernetic equipment does she have other than her special handjob apparatus?

Virginia Hey as Zotoh Zhaan (Farscape)--Many viewers latched onto Claudia Black as Aeryn as the sexy one in this series, but she seemed far too mundane for my choice. Instead, I'd love a woman who experiences photorgasms and seems to be skilled in giving nearly infinite pleasure to many species. Hopefully human is one of them. . .

Major Motoko Kusanagi(Ghost in the Machine) A strange, distant figure, she seems completely detached from sexuality, but she's so hot! The paradox makes her a perfect Ice Queen.

Missi Pyle as Laliari (Galaxy Quest) Missi Pyle is not what you'd call an especially attractive woman. She has a very strange face, which makes her perfect for playing this bizarrely sexy alien. With most alien chicks, they're vaguely humanoid, and you assume they have something approximating a vagina, but it's pretty clear this chick is WAY alien, but she seems to secrete sufficient lubricant that a lot of fun can be had.

Uma Thurman as Venus (Adventures of Baron Munchausen) Okay, so Uma Thurman is an easy pick, and as Venus, well, it seems a no brainer. Of course she'll blow your mind. And she blew my mind, because in just the short instants they were exposed, hers were the first breasts I ever saw on the big screen. And aren't they lovely?

Sean Young and Darryl Hannah and Joanna Cassidy (Blade Runner) In this movie, Ridley Scott worked with a lot of archetypes, so it's not surprising that he essentializes women by splitting them into the three types represented by the female replicants. Sean Young is the sad and brooding woman. Joanna Cassidy is the cold sex object. Darryl Hannah is the childlike embodiment of youth and caprice. The ideal woman blends all of these characteristics into a single, irresistable whole.

Tricia Helfer as Number Six (BSG) As much as anything, I'm including her because I know people would question my judgement if I left her out. But the mind is the largest erogenous zone, and she is all over it.

Hot Sci-Fi Babes: Part 1, The Humans (Revised)

The rule for SF advertising had long been that the cover of a book, magazine, or movie must have a bug-eyed monster (BEM), destructive robot, or mad scientist threatening some curvacious woman, preferably blonde, whether the story actually included such a threat or such a woman. Nonetheless, there are many stories that DO include a curvacious blonde being threatened by BEMs, robots, or mad scientists. So here's a few that I like (not necessarily blondes, though . . .).

Simone Griffeth as Annie Smith (Death Race 2000)--As the mechanic/lover of David Carradine's epically enigmatic "Frankenstein," she is a slender, seductive spy trying to kill him. Her acting is what you'd expect for a Roger Corman flick, but she sure is nice to look at, and you get a lot of opportunities! The trailer for the remake of this is pretty crazy. Not only have they sunk a ton of money into stars and special effects, but they're actually trying to make the thing make sense!

Radha Miller as Carolyn Fry (Pitch Black)--At the very beginning of the movie, you know she didn't get her piloting job as a result of her skills! Not normally my type, she shows what the right clothes and camera angles can do for any figure. Unfortunately, she also starred in Silent Hill, which no amount of cheap champaign could make tolerable.

Sigourney Weaver as Tawny Madison (Galaxy Quest)--Yes, I know she's the star of the Alien movies, but she can't be listed here for them for two reasons. 1) She is flat-out unsexy in them and 2) before I saw the first Alien movie, I read the Alan Dean Foster novelization. In the novelization it describes how people came out of the sleep pods completely naked and how Lambert is really sexy, neither of which turned out to be true in the movie, and both of which I still bear a grudge over. But Sigourney Weaver can be sexy, in Ghostbusters or here, 15 years later. (not to mention The Ice Storm!).

Anne Francis as Alta (Forbidden planet)--Ya gotta love a classic, and Anne Francis may be restricted in what she can show of her bod, but she does everything else to be sexy: skinny dipping, trying to get healthy stimulation by a little hugging and kissing, and wearing skirts so short they would constitute an OSHA violation in the modern workplace. If she was beaming me, you can bet there's no way I'd waste time giving myself an oil job!

Penelope Ann Miller as Dr. Green (The Relic)--Miller made a sensation as the sexy stripper in Carlito's Way (a personal favorite), but in The Relic she shows how sexy she can be with her clothes on. Not only that, she's a top-notch evolutionary biologist! And she bikes to work! Let me at her!

Since he passed on this week, I'd like to take a moment to note how Stan Winston's creature made this flick, not just scary and cool, but sexy, too. When Miller is caught with her back against the cage, waiting for the elevator, the creature comes up very close, but doesn't attack. Instead, it slathers her with its long, slimy, forked tongue. There are just some things that even the best CGI can't accomplish.

Natalie Portman as Amidala--Lucas definitely botched some things about Portman's character in the Star Wars films, but her part in the closing sequences of the second film are just about perfect. Not only does she have a totally retro mirrored rocket, but her onepiece bodysuit is so Buck Rogers! And so her clothes have to be torn in just the right way. And the way she handles a gun! Classic pulp stuff!

Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia--Also knows how to handle a gun, as she shows us in her first few seconds on the screen. And knows how to fall when stunned. I've always been a fan of her archetypal white outfits. Plus, the has a large nose, which gives her a natural, woman-on-the-street appearance I find very appealing.

Oh, and I forgot to represent a childhood favorite:

Maren Jensen as Lt. Athena (Battlestar Galactica): A Zeta-Jones-esque face, curves not even a Colonial Marine uniform can conceal, sassy attitude and a tool belt to boot! How could I forget?

Greek Ribaldry

O I would that I were a rose

a rose of the lightest red

that you might see me glow

and pluck me with your fingers

and with your fingers place me

Between your breasts of snow.

Company Ink

At my workplace, I've gained a reputation of being a "ladies' man," in both serious and humorous senses of the word. How it happened was this:

One day the employees were kind of hanging around at some snack time, or when the company was buying us pizza, or something, and some of us were sitting around the conference room table. A young woman sat down across from me, and I immediately noticed that she had new glasses, and said (truthfully) that they looked good. As I was saying this, I realized that it wasn't just the afternoon sun pouring into the conference room through the open blinds that made her look different, so I asked if she had dyed her hair. Turns out she had.

Having just written a blog about hair color, skin color, and makeup, I sort of automatically launched into a discussion of how it was a really good color, how it contrasted nicely with her complexion and set off her eyes, and how it worked well with her new glasses.

Immediately, the guy next to me accused me of being a "smooth talker," and imputed me with ulterior motives, something that gets repeated from time to time. I pointed out to this guy that I am a happily married man, who, despite his serpent's tongue, is not generally considered an attractive prospect by the women I meet. On another occasion, I pointed out that he, on the other hand, as a young, single guy about whom the ladies spoke well in his absence, should have no trouble making hay, to which he responded, "My father always taught me you don't dip your pen in the company's ink."

Which puts us in the same position: appreciating the pure aesthetic pleasure of the feminine form, which is now not only my vocation: it's my job.

Oh, and I forgot to Mention . . .

The reason behind the Hot Cartoon Chicks sidebar. I was having a conversation with one of my fellow writers (who is much less interested in the female form) about Thundarr the Barbarian, and happened to mention how I had a huge crush on Princess Ariel when I was like 8, and he acted like I was some kind of freak.

But I don't understand how anybody could not be all over her. She's got a hot bod, obviously, and she's super-smart, the perfect mix of sex object and mother figure for the 8-year-old barbarian. Plus, she's sorceress. Plus, she had long thick hair like Amy Darke, the perfect girl in my 3rd grade class, who I also had a crush on for four years.

So, anyway, maybe it's my concommittant exposure to pinups, but I don't think I'm all that unusual, so I'll feature a few of my favorites in the side bar. And maybe I'll post an entry on Disney princesses, who are a special category.

Dr. C's Science Corner: The Arousal Threshold of Turkeys

What turns a turkey on? Although you might jump to the conclusion that there are breast and leg toms, according to research, it's the head that gets them going.

Researchers presented male turkeys with lifelike models of females, which definitely worked to get the turkeys aroused. Then they disassembled the model piece by piece--tail, feet, wings, leg, body--until there was just a head left, but the turkeys still went for it. Unlike most men, they definitely preferred a head on a stick to a body without a head.

You might think that a team of researchers having discovered this would consider their work done, pop a brewski, and publish their results, but they were not finished. They wanted to figure out what actually constituted a head as far as the amorous turkeys were concerned. A freshly severed female head worked. A dried-out male head worked. A 2-year old withered and mummified female head worked. Heck, even a piece of balsa wood vaguely resembling a turkey head worked.

I've known a lot of turkeys with similar standards.

The Monster Gaze

Joe Bob Briggs, in his book Profoundly Disturbing, talks about the impact of the movie The Creature from the Black Lagoon in a way that makes a lot of sense. Briggs notes that although a number of movies prior to 1954 feature monsters pursuing women (indeed, it was a staple since King Kong), Creature goes a step beyond. In Creature, the camera encourages us as viewers to identify with the creature as it watches Julia Adams swimming. In particular, Briggs points out that the experience is profound for the preteen boys who made up the majority of the audience. Socially awkward, just learning to be entranced by the female body, the boys could not help but identify with the inept and hopeless desire of the creature. We are neither the boyfriend nor the greedy romantic interloper: we are the monster.

Briggs is definitely correct in this analysis, and I would go a step farther. It is a commonplace in feminist theory that the male gaze fixes and objectifies its feminine object, but it is equally true that the gaze casts the masculine viewer into a particular role, over which he has little, if any, more control than the woman being seen. Just as hormones shape the curves of a woman's body, hormones shape a man's mind to respond to those curves. And the very same synaptic responses that lead to reflexive rapture at a woman's body create a revulsion to the man's own body. The feminine is beautiful, the masculine monstrous.