Breasts: How Big Is Too Big?

I remember one of my first discussions on the topic of female anatomy, probably around 4th grade or so, was on the subject of breasts and how big is best. Funny that now, more than a quarter of a century later, I'm not only still talking about it--it's a major part of my job.

In 4th grade, I was generally of the opinion that bigger was pretty much better, but the opinion that ruled the day was more than a handful doesn't matter because what're you going to do with the rest of the breast? Never mind that since then I've learned there's a lot more things you can do with breasts than just touch them--this remains a legitimate, defensible opinion . . . that I don't happen to share.

Now, we can all agree that Sheyla Hershey, with her record-breaking 38 KKK is pretty gross and disproportionate, but that doesn't really matter, because her goal is not to look good. Instead, she's locked in an existential battle with the universe, her own personal quest for breasts. It's like that racer in "The Distance," you know? All the rest of us are just shadows, a phantom audience whose participation in her show is neither necessary nor important--she just goes on to the exclusion of all else, sacrificing health, personal relationships, even beauty to attain her insane goal. I can dig it, and even admire it the way I admire those idiots who died trying to scale Everest's icy heights, or even that symbolic leopard frozen atop mount Kilimanjaro (yeah, squirm, Hemmingway, squirm!)

Anyway, I got distracted there. My point is, how big should a woman's breasts be, ideally? This particular phase of my consideration was brought on by Page 3 Girl, Nicola McLean.

Page 3 Girls, for those who don't know, are women who appear topless on the 3rd page of the British tabloid, The Sun. Nicola McLean was--and continues to be--one of the most popular Page 3 Girls ever, with her perky 34B breasts, which I have to say look pretty good to me.

But then she decided she wanted bigger breasts, so she quit being a Page 3 Girl (where they stand for no such nonsense), and embarked on an abortive acting/modeling/general celebritying career, which eventually hit its high point as being a WAG (Wives and Girlfriends, normally refers to footballers' significant others) and with the reality show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. It was in this role that she became the focus of a survey on breast size conducted at British plastic surgery clinics, where women were asked, simply, are her breasts too big? Look at her picture from a stunt in the TV show (with idiotic product placement) and decide for yourself.

The overwhelming opinion: Yes, they are too big. The majority of women agreed that a C-cup is the ideal size for a woman's breasts, not McLean's ludicrous GG. Now, consider a similarly proportioned WAG with greater market penetration in the US: Gemma Atkinson.