An Obligatory Response

In Touch Weekly, the lowest of the so-called entertainment mags (or the highest of the tabloids, it kind of blurs the line), recently published the results of their poll on Hollywood's best breasts, and here's the results, some of which are more indicative of their readership than of the quality of the breasts. Of course, I must respond. Here are the top three, with pics and commentary:













1. Jessica Simpson, who definitely has some fine breasts. I used to have an image of her in her white jacket, on my desktop. It helped me get my day started right. Unfortunately, I can't find a copy of that exact image, but here's one I like because she looks like one of my coworkers in it.













2. Tyra Banks in a weird twist of fate, I have found myself defending Tyra on a number of occasions for many things, but, this picture (which is old) notwithstanding, I can't accept that she has the second best breasts in Hollywood.

3. Scarlett Johansson had the first place last time In Touch did their poll. She is, of course, my top pick, partly because she's a whole package and not just great tits on a dim bulb. But I can imagine her and Simpson fighting it out for first place (in oil and string bikinis).

And the rest:

4. Carmen Electra

5. Lindsay Lohan

6. Katherine Heigl

7. Audrina Patridge

8. Jennifer Aniston

9. Megan Fox

10. Beyonce Knowles

Now, some of these are reasonable, defensible choices, but many of them only make sense if you remind yourself that this is a poll of readers of the magazine pitched to those too dumb to read PEOPLE. Take it for what it is: an excellent opportunity to think about tits.